The Sheets Undone
by MissVonTussle
Summary: Blanche can't handle being abstinent. She goes insane. Break out the cheesecake!


The Sheets Undone

A Golden Girls FanFic by MissVonTussle

Blanche is known for her sexy, attractive personality. But there was an episode that included this, where she didn't have sex, but it didn't seem to last long. But I always wanted to "experiment" on how Blanche deals with being abstinent :D I tried my real best to write the characters like they are in the show. :D I hope you enjoy. I don't know how many chapters there might be...I will work on as much I could possibly could so just sit tight. :)

Chapter One: "Make bed, Not War"

Blanche slipped through the kitchen door into the living room, Dorothy and Rose's eyes following her every, shaky move. "I am shocked... Just shocked. Shocked is the only way to describe how shocked... I am! Just the thought of being-" "Oh just tell us what's the matter already, Blanche!" Dorothy quickly cut in. She stood still,"I haven't enjoyed the company of men for several weeks now. My body is aching with the passion I need to release through sex!" She sighed, sinking down into the couch between the girls. Dorothy gently patted her knee,"Blanche, it's alright. You'll get through this, don't worry." "But Dorothy, I haven't gone so long without sex! The longest I've gone through with out sex was.." "Half an hour?" Dorothy guessed. "It's like my passion. I couldn't understand how a scrawny, unattractive person could go through this!" She turned to Dorothy,"So, what's it like, Dorothy?" "Oh Blanche, you're a very attractive, sexy woman. No man wouldn't ever wanna stay away from you! You'll find a date!" Blanche happily jumped up,"You're right, Rose! I'm gonna go to the Rusty Anchor to meet some single, eligible men looking for a good time!" She giggled, rushing off to her room. "Can you believe that man-hungry slut?" Rose shook her head.

That night, Dorothy and Rose rendevouzed at the kitchen table, smothering themselves with their usual sweet treats. "You know Dorothy, this batch of cupcakes you made are pretty good!" Rose grinned, swallowing her bite. "Why thank you Rose. It took me awhile to bake these. All my blood, sweat, and tears." "It tastes so familiar to the one I buy at the grocery store! Isn't it a coincidence that the baking pan you picked up says,'Dave County Groceries'?" Blanche swung open the door,"Oh, girls.. I didn't expect you up this late." Dorothy stared at the clock,"Blanche, it's 8:37 pm. It's not late." "So, what happened tonight?" Rose asked. "Slice me some of that cheesecake Rose." She sat down, slowly exhaling,"Well, I traveled down to the Rusty Anchor, very eager to arrive and have the men feed off me.." She dug into her cheesecake,"Then as my usual enterance, I sit onto the counter and grab the beer hose, and stick it up my shirt so the men could drink from my body. Their breath, their touch-" "Oh, just get to the point, Blanche!" Dorothy snapped. "Well, as the beer began to soak my shirt and have my body shown through," Her southern accent rolled on,"The men weren't paying attention! I sat there, my shirt soaked and alone on the counter with a bartender that goes by the name of Patty because of his experience of a meat beater." Blanche shook her head, taking larger bites,"I felt stupid, and not just stupid, but alone... and unattractive!" "Ohh, Blanche, the men were probably tired of it! You nee to try something new." Rose gently suggested. Dorothy nodded,"Yes, sweetheart, they're just used to your same, old tricks. Maybe you should be more kind and loving." "Something new? Kind and loving? Wow, you guys really haven't had sex in a long, long time!" Blanche laughed. Suddenly, Sophia barged in,"Are you three getting sent to the electric chair?"

"Oh, Sophia. We were just talking." Rose smiled.

"Ahhh." Sophia nodded, pullling the stool towards the table,"What about?"

"On why I haven't been attracting men and haven't been having sex in weeks!" Blanche squealed.

"Weeks? You try going years without it, then call me!" Sophia rolled her eyes, knowing she had it worse.

"Ma!" Dorothy looked away in disgust.

"Okay, picture it, Sicily 1927. A young adult suddenly blossomed into a beautiful woman. She had all the men eating away at her beauty, then she was so popular, even Lars the Pepperoni salesman loved her!"

Dorothy sighed,"Ma, where is this story going?"

"Into my underwear!" She sarcastically remarked,"Just let me finish the damn story! Then one day, she suddenly got more popular when she was making her famous spaghetti and feetballs."

"Don't you mean meatballs, Sophia?" Blanche asked.

"No. Back then, we didn't really have that much time and the machinery to process the meat, so we had to squish the meat with our feet. And even sometimes they'd find the warts of the people's feet in the meat, but it was rare to find them. Maybe 20:15 chance."

Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose pushed away their food, their appetite lost.

"Anyways, she finally met the man she wanted, because she opened a spaghetti stand. Then when he found a wart in feetball, the man left her, and she never saw him again. That girl was me. And that man, was a man you know by Franz Ferdinand."

"I can't really draw a lesson from story, Ma." Dorothy shook her head.

"Oh I did...but it made my problem feel even worse!" Blanche complained.

"Hey, I was just trying to lighten up the mood! I'm 80, I'm supposed to be indifferent!!" Sophia screamed, storming out of the kitchen.


End file.
